


Shades of White

by domo (aroceu)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-20
Updated: 2010-07-20
Packaged: 2017-10-28 08:37:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/domo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>how to be perfect</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shades of White

_You’re not useless_ Jungsu says to you, _you’re an amazing member and we all love you and we love having you here._

You nod and wipe away an imaginary tear from your eyes as you look up at Jungsu. Jungsu seems so strong, that even though three members have left him, he can still smile. He hasn’t broken yet, because he’s their leader, and he knows how to be their leader. He stumbles, but he always picks himself up, and you feel a little bit jealous.

Jungsu pats you on the shoulder and kisses you on the cheek in reassurance, before leaving, and you think, _Of course he tells me I’m not useless, that’s because he’s the leader and that’s what he’s supposed to say_. And on the inside, you don’t care about Jungsu’s words, because you feel more useless than ever.

;

Heechul can’t dance, he knows, and everyone else knows. But still, Heechul dances along with the rest of them, a grin remaining on his face, and you almost trip a little because you are too busy admiring the charisma from your hyung, envy sparkling in your eyes.

You wonder if you can ever be like Heechul, Heechul who looks so confident, so brave, everything; if you can ever be like Heechul, because Heechul is the one who says whatever he wants and does whatever he wants, and everyone laughs and loves him. You wish people can laugh for you. You wish people can love you.

Heechul spots you staring and winks at you, with the words, _Just do as I do_ hinting in his gaze. But you cannot, because you are not Heechul, and you are small.

;

Even when he is gone, Hankyung still receives more attention than ever, you notice. But what’s not to love about him? Hankyung is an amazing dancer, a not half-bad singer, and really, he’s Chinese, he’s different. And you wish you were different, you wish your last name wasn’t Lee, you wish you were something special.

You watch with the others silently of Hankyung’s news, and even though Hankyung is not communicating with any of the members, on his own, the others seem so happy for him. They clap and smile and vocally congratulate him as they watch the television; Siwon says something about God playing a role in his life, and Heechul teases that Hankyung is only good for things in his own country. You see how special Hankyung is. You see how much everyone likes him.

And you don’t know if anyone likes you, and a part of you wants to leave Super Junior, just leave it for a little while, just so you can receive a little attention as well.

;

Jongwoon’s smile is an embarrassed smile as he picks himself up, and all the others laugh at him and he simply tells him he fell on purpose. Everyone knows he didn’t, of course, but Jongwoon’s voice and eyes and charm are enough for others to accept his mistakes and love him.

You wonder if others notice your mistakes, if they accept them and still love you. You wonder if your imperfections make you more perfect, the way they make Jongwoon more perfect, and you watch him with slight jealousy and fascination. Jongwoon talks endlessly, his weirdness radiating off of him, but with each stumble he makes, the more everyone else smiles. And you see that Jongwoon has learned to accept his own mistakes as well.

You think back to yourself and ask you if you’ve accepted your own mistakes. And when you answer no, you know that no one else will accept them either.

;

He was the closest to you, you know, and you wonder if he ever noticed your occasional quietness, the way you’d draw yourself away from the world and with yourself, with your useless, pitiful self. And you miss him, because there was always something about Youngwoon’s dark eyes that made you think he could see into you.

You remember those days right before Youngwoon left, where it was just the two of you because it felt like the two of you and it was nothing but the two of you whenever he was around. There was a smile in his eyes and a tear on his face and he assures you, _I’m coming back_. And you ask him, _What worth am I without you?_ and he tells you, you are worth much more than you think.

And you want to believe him, you want to believe Youngwoon was the only one who ever understood. You want to believe that he will come back, and he will still understand you more than ever.

;

You know how many fans hate Shindong, not just because he doesn’t have the same figure as the rest of the members, but because of the things he said about girls. You see how much hate he gets about it, about how is called a hypocrite, about how he is called useless, about how he isn’t funny.

And you want to care for him, you want to make him feel better, tell him that maybe one day fans will understand you regret saying things, that he is funny, that he is useful—but you see the way he smiles and laughs and it’s all so _real_ and the realistic part of you says that no, he’s faking it, but you know that it’s real and you know that he learns how to deal with the hate. And you are so jealous of him, because you wish you had such a heart as he does.

And you know that you don’t get hate, you don’t say things on talkshows and nobody has such passionate dislike for you, and you are weak, you are not strong at all.

;

You wish you could cry in the same way Hyukjae does, so freely and pure and with the same innocence he does. Your tears speak of silence, lies, darkness, envy, while his are tears of sadness, of forgiving and missing and cherishing. And his tears are out in the open, while yours are bottled up and set to sea.

And you see that Hyukjae’s flaws are open as well, but his perks outshine his flaws and that everyone loves him, everyone loves his charm, his talent, everything about him. You see that his weakness is being weak, and that is his strength. And you hate being his friend, because you feel so useless compared to him.

Yet you don’t hate being his friend, because sometimes you wish that one day, his perfection will rub off on you and maybe you can become as perfect as he is.

;

You love the way Donghae raps, and you know it is wrong to envy your dongsaengs, but you know that Donghae is an ideal man, is the most perfect out of all the members. And you do not know if the others notice, but you do.

You notice the way Donghae’s dancing is almost as good as Hyukjae’s and Shindong’s, which is good enough; you notice the way his rapping can measure up to Kibum’s; you notice his voice is pure enough even for K.R.Y. You notice how he is sensitive, how he always expresses love for his father and compassion for everyone around him, and sometimes you wish he were a little less compassionate to you, because a part of you wants to hate him, but cannot.

And Donghae cares about you too, he asks you what is wrong when your smile falters a little bit, he comes to you when you are alone. And you want him to go away and shed tears of his own, and make you hate him because as much as you try, you cannot.

;

You are perhaps the only one who can see every broken piece in Siwon. You can see how even though he preaches about God and seems to have so much faith in Him, you can see Siwon’s small falters and doubts every once in a while. You can see that he is no different from everyone else, that even though he is a great Christian, he is not perfect.

This makes you feel that you can connect to him, that you both are imperfect together. But you see the way that Siwon does not even acknowledge it, that he continues to pretend to be the person he is thought to be. And you wonder how Siwon is so good at this, so good at putting up a wall that only few people can break down and see into.

And you wish you had Siwon’s mask, that even though he is weak, he can pretend to be strong. You wish you can pretend. You wish you can be fake.

;

One thing you always notice is how happy Ryeowook is, and even if he doesn’t look happy, you can see that he is. You can see the smile in his eyes and the laugh in his actions, and you wonder how he can be happy all the time, even with Super Junior falling apart no matter how much others didn’t like acknowledging it. You wonder how Ryeowook does it.

Ryeowook is always joking, beside Shindong, and he always tries to spread his happiness. He plays pranks to make others laugh, and you wonder, how can he do something so naughty and get others to be happy from it? And you are jealous, because you don’t know how to spread happiness like Ryeowook does, and sometimes you wonder if you are happy at all.

You know that Ryeowook does smile easily, that smiling is one of the hardest things for him. You know that almost every smile he takes on camera is a pretend smile, because he doesn’t know how to. He’s come up to you and asked, _Hyung, do you know how to smile?_ and you try to teach him, but you can’t, because you’ve already seen the smile in his heart.

;

Although he is kilometers away, you can still sense Kibum’s presence within all of you, within you and the other members. You see that they are maturing for their dongsaengs they hardly see anymore, that they change when he is gone so they are ready when he comes back. You see the impact Kibum leaves on all of you.

You know that Kibum is an important member to the group, he always has been. His smile, his talent, everything; he’s never been useless, even if he hasn’t participated in half of the jibs. And you know you are useless, even though you have always been here, you’ve hardly gone to the hospital or been sick at all, always in perfect condition, and you do some singing and some dancing, yet, you hardly leave the kind of impression Kibum leaves on the others.

And you wish Kibum was here again, just so you can be with him, because you miss him as much as the others—but you wish you can go away and pretend, for one moment, that the other members would go back to their old selves and Kibum never affected them so.

;

Cho Kyuhyun is perhaps the most perfect out of all of them, because his flaws are glaring but his eyes are always honest, and you think that is what attracts everyone to him in the first place, that he is handsome because he is honest. You think you are supposed to be close to him, and you are close to him, but you feel so far away from him.

Kyuhyun always offers you words of support and advice and you want to take them, you want to because you want to be as beautiful as him. You want to because you want to be what he is, perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect, knowing how to gain attention and be something of use. You want to be like Kyuhyun.

But you cannot, and you know this, because even if you try, you will never measure up to Kyuhyun. You will never measure up to Kyuhyun in this, in looks, in usefulness, in anything.

;

And sometimes you wonder if you should leave Super Junior, because no one will notice, and no one will care anyways. But you don’t leave, because sometimes you want to pretend that there is something special about you.


End file.
